Isolation.

Why is it that I find myself befriending isolation? Even when there are people who love and care about me, I feel the need to be in complete isolation without a clear reason why. Why must life be such a struggle? Is there even such a thing as pure happiness? If so why must I see and bare the tremendous amount of pain that comes from the life I live? For me, isolation is often followed by bad days, which entails feeling unloved, lonely, friendless and lost within Gods great earth. I feel the need to shut down, take a few steps backward into my depression and never want to let anyone in. What am I so afraid of? I'm afraid of love, I'm afraid to be loved. Even though, along with friendship, it is something I long for and truly desire, it is the thing that scares me the most. To open up revealing all of my most vulnerable emotions and life experiences and sharing them to a complete stranger; leaving me to wonder: do they ever even care? My bad days come from fear or a realization of what I need in life, but will never experience. Then comes my isolation, the need to shut myself away from the world when everything becomes too much. Often, I feel that I am always alone in this great world. I feel that no one will understand the concept that is me: the one who carries a broken heart in need of love, salvation, and self-forgiveness. In this state of mind I often wonder will this world ever truly know who I am? Will they ever understand all of my pain, heartache, depression and even my outlook on life and this world we live in? I guess instead of pursuing isolation I must fight my never-ending depression and press on. Press on to find the life I have always dreamed of. A life with happiness, love, friendship, salvation, and all I have ever needed. I understand that in life, mine especially, that there will be days where I will buckle under the weight of suffering that life brings forth, but I must never quit. Though I may fall, cry, and sometimes even break, I must always pick myself up again, never losing sight of what lays ahead. I must continue on in my journey to reveal to this world who I really am. I'm a woman, who has been broken too many times to be mended, hurt too many times to trust, cried too many times to ever find joy, lost too many times to ever find love...but even after all of this I still press forward; finding the beauty in everything around me.

Who, what, where, why...

I saw this in a SocialVibe forum and thought I'd blog it.

I Am... an individual.
I Want... a better tomorrow.
I Have... many personal obstacles to overcome.
I Wish... life wasn't so painful at times.
I Hate... the word hate, why can't everyone just find peace and love?
I Fear... what the future and my life my hold.
I Hear... beautiful music.
I Search... for the beauty in life, no matter how ugly it may get.
I Wonder... why I am the way that I am.
I Regret... nothing, or at least I'm trying to.
I Love... the beautiful things in life.
I Ache... for someone to love and for someone to love me.
I Always... try to move on.
I Usually... try to keep myself busy.
I Am Not... anything special.
I Dance... in the shower.
I Sing... while i dance in the shower
I Never... do anything.
I Rarely... talk on the phone.
I Cry... when I'm extremely angry
I Am Not Always... going to be enough, and i know that.
I Lose... myself, when i think of him.<3
I'm Confused... when it comes to hard maths and sciences.
I Need... love, happiness, and friendship.
I Should... have known better.
I Dream... of a better life, someday.

Before I die...

Before I die, I want to be able to look back on my life, proudly, and say: "It was all worth it." I want to find true love and happiness, know who my REAL friends are, go to a dance, go on an amazing date, have a big “movie screen” kiss, have at least one good birthday, get a tattoo, travel through Europe, get a Doctorates degree in Psychology, become successful, get married to someone who loves me with all their heart and nothing less, maybe have children, visit all five national parks, stand in awe of the Grand Canyon, stand before some of the most beautiful places in the world, help build a house, go to a “big concert” learn to play the guitar, harmonica, and/or piano and preform before a small audience, take ballroom dancing lessons and become amazing at it, write a book based on my life, publish every poem I've ever written, be given a dozen sunflowers; my favorite flower, take up photography and capture the beauty of the world as I see it through my eyes, visit an art gallery, stand in awe of mother nature in the arms of the love of my life-whether it be an ocean, foliage, clouds, etc., forgive myself for my mistakes/let certain things go, make a difference in at least ONE persons life, live in a world that has found peace, make a big difference in this world; someway, somehow, and find a deeper understanding of why God put me in this world. Even though I may not accomplish all my goals, I can still hope because I know that I'm going to make a huge difference in this world someday; I'm determined to.

Who Me?

I'm a woman of few words, but if you have patience, then you can truly get to know me. I'm a pessimist, with a bit of optimism. I'm a woman who has been hurt, bruised, and disappointed in more ways than one, but yet I still search for the outstanding beauty that this world has to offer.

I've seen the face of depression but have yet to feel the joy of happiness. Even with my learned helplessness, I still believe I'll truly find the happiness, love and friendship I need one day.

I've never loved, but I know that I can; I just need to find someone who can love me.

I love to think about the beauty and heartache about life; it's something I do often. I have my fears for what life may bring, but still I embrace it whole-heartedly with my arms wide open.

I aspire to be an successful adolescent Psychologist someday. Many people never understand exactly why I have chose this particular career path, but if you did, you'd know I mean well.

I am far from perfect and I know this without a doubt. I try, and though I may make mistakes, God knows I mean well.